Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Nadeen Boman's Breast Implants; Every Jay McInerney Book Stolen

Summer's here, and everyone knows what that means: a four-month paid holiday courtesy of a SSHRC grant. Ordinarily I'd feel guilty about taking your tax dollars, but my old SSHRC money went to break a car lease and pick up a new 2010 Jaguar XJ, so this new SSHRC cash is tucked into my pocket, later to be dropped on a craps table at Fallsview Casino.

Fuck. Have you glanced at the competition results from this year's SSHRC offensive? This is truly a glimpse into the mashing of priorities that stick the honest working-stiff in a Regent Park apartment where mentally ill tenants piss and shit in the stairwells while the gov. cries poor. Seventeen grand to Kim Havens for her dissertation, "Resistance Themes in French Postcolonial Literature for Children." Seventeen grand to Jessica MacEachern for her dissertation: "Eyes roving over an empty hog's skull: poetic perceptions of constructed neutrality." Seventeen grand to Adrienne King for her dissertation, "Edith Wharton and existentialism: a reconsideration of Wharton's milieu." Seventeen grand to Erin Julian for her dissertation, "Dangerous boys: the performance of female communities in Ben Jonson's Caroline drama."

Outrageous. Absolutely outrageous.

I know that I'm being an asshole about this, but it's just another kind of investigative journalism or self-loathing. Call it either. You know that if you make twenty grand a year and you need a root canal you're stuck pulling out that tooth with string and a doorknob. But if you're a grad student the gov./CUPE'll basically re-build your body from scratch as long as your paper on Wooff's Harbinger Farms shows some progress. I remember sitting through a CUPE meeting where some SSHRC recipient was bitching over the fact that CUPE's provider wouldn't cover her condom costs. The system's been fucked for so long that no one should be surprised when tenure turns into a memory, and profs aren't earning $140 K/year for teaching two seminar courses.

So that just shows you where my mind's at right now. It's the reason why I've been watching so much TV. And is anything more habit-forming than shows where young, attractive women try to lose weight? Chief among those: Bulging Brides, and The Last Ten Pounds Boot Camp. I love this Tommy Europe character. Here's a personal trainer with a 100% success rate; a guy who takes an overweight chick off her couch and six weeks later has her running a ten km sprint up a mountain. The other star of the show's a nutritionist named Nadeen Boman. Now because I'm so into this thing and have watched dozens of episodes I've noticed something completely unimportant and maybe even perverse: Nadeen has a new chest. The first season she was wearing camo. tops and earth tones. Suddenly she's Ms. Cash--the woman in black. And not just black tops; I'm talking about black everything. Black tights, black tanks, black cardigans, black sweaters. She could be pregnant and you'd never be able to tell. But every so often she turns to the side or the light's just right and it looks like her breasts are much, much bigger. As far as I'm concerned, that's amazing. I have no idea whether it's just an optical illusion, but that's just my guess.

As far as the McInerney goes, I went to a university library to pick up some Jay and it was all gone. The online catalogue said that the books were all shelved, but every single JM book was missing from the stacks. So, because I felt like it, I took five or six Foucault texts and shelved them around the building, on different floors. Maybe that's crazy, but it'll really piss off some too-literate grad. students looking to show how Dungo "controls the discourse" in Matt Cohen's The Bookseller.

If only they had a wood-burning fireplace.

12 comments:

李淑成李淑成 said...

感謝分享唷^^~~.........................................

李宜毛正任昌 said...

愛,拆開來是心和受兩個字。用心去接受對方的一切,用心去愛對方的所有。......................................................................

Anonymous said...

This is seriously the funniest blog in existence! I don't watch Bulging Bride but stumbled across this blog while watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta, another Slice show offensively aimed at women. Seriously. I was wondering what your thoughts were about Girl Crazy by Russell Smith which has been slammed in the press. I remember your enthusiasm for Muriella Pent. Thank you for being funny.

承王蓁 said...

唯有穿鞋的人,才知道鞋的哪一處擠腳............................................................

凱許倫 said...

你所貫徹的形象,你喜愛它有多少百分比,你就幸福多少百分比................................................

偉曹琬 said...

我來湊熱鬧的~~^^ 要平安快樂哦..................................................

靜蔡蔡蔡蔡怡 said...

辛苦了!祝你愈來愈好!............................................................

翊翊翊翊張瑜翊翊翊 said...

看了你的日誌 覺得今天好充實 晚安瞜.................................[/url]...............

怡靜怡靜怡靜怡雯 said...

無私分享,很不錯哦~謝謝~~.................................[/url]...............

蕾蕾 said...

在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」............................................................

偉DimpleHolloway043昀 said...

出遊不拘名勝,有景就是好的..................................................

Anonymous said...

I agree with Anonymous. It's a very funny blog. I keep laughing out loud, all the while wondering if maybe I shouldn't, given that I earn, well, um, over 100,000 a year for teaching a few seminar courses, and occasionally sit on SSHRC adjudication committees (though my stomach starts churning every time they call me). Anyway, love your blog!

 
All Posts On This Site Are Intended As Juvenalian Satire. If They Veer Into Horatian Satire, That's OK Too. Just, Please, Don't Take Them Too Seriously. PhD Students Can't Afford Libel Suits. CUPE Doesn't Cover Court Costs.
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