Wednesday, March 26, 2008 On The Way? On The Way?

My cousin Andrew’s an entertainment lawyer here in Toronto, and last night at dinner (a great steak at Carman's--26 Alexander St.) he told me about a new project he’s working on. He went into the office a couple weeks ago and found a large banker’s box on his desk. It was labelled CPS File. When he opened it he found what he estimates to be two-thousand pages of handwritten notes, cancelled envelopes, and email printouts. They all—-every single one of them—-had to do with a celebrity and the size of said celebrity’s dick. There was everyone from Gibson to DiCaprio. He spent five days just reading through the stuff, and colleagues were constantly wandering into his office to solicit updates for their pool (they'd bet on the biggest and smallest).

So now he’s stuck working on legal clearance for a website tentatively called He’s not able to release the URL, but he did give me the CPS hint and neither confirmed nor denied my celebritypenissize inference.

There are a few issues: 1) the penis sizes have been solicited from and submitted by high-school and college partners of now-famous celebrities. The firm’s worried that penis size might be protected under the same terms as something like your medical history, so he’s searching out precedent for cases where personal information was made public. It’s his theory that physical descriptions of a non-medical nature are not privileged. So you can talk about size, but you can’t talk about unique physical characteristics like birthmarks, or curvature. I tend to agree. If you can say Karl Malden has a huge nose, you can say Karl Malden has a huge prick. The issue is whether the actual measurement can be disseminated.

2) Superlatives are allowed, but then you get into grey areas. What does small mean? What does big mean? Are contributors obligated legally to submit accurate measurements? Can, say, Sean Penn sue if his ex-girlfriend says six inches when it’s really six-and-a-half or seven?

I asked whether anyone would be able to submit an assessment, and I was told that the site will require at least two pieces of evidence to support their claim of having been with the person in question. Pictures, letters, and emails are supposed to prevent cranks from calling in and saying, “Jake Gyllenhaal…two inches.” Or twenty.

And how can exes accurately measure width?

I know…this is stupid, but that’s the kind of thing you go through when you’re trying to set up one of these sites. I thought the gen. pub. Would be interested in that.

Oh, and one more thing. If CPS is allowed to launch, is also on its way. Later, I’ll speak to what that’s all about.

1 comment:

metro mama said...

There should be a requirement to report width as well as length. A decent breadth is a redeeming factor (it may not go deep, but it bangs the hell out of the sides).

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