Adler's Girlfriend?

Last night, at a downtown bar, a female friend said something interesting: "David, you're single now, right?"

"I am."

"And you're not writing about your girlfriends anymore."

"No, I'm not."

"Why don't you write about me?"

"Like how no one ever taught you how to vacuum?"

"No. Write about me as your girlfriend."

I thought about it for a second. "No," I said. "I could never lie on my website."

But she kept insisting. "Write about me. I think it would be fun."

"Is that your sixth beer?"

"Fifth."

"Look," I said, "don't you already have a boyfriend? Believe me, that's the kind of thing that I'd remember."

"I do, but this is on your website. Who'll know?"

"My friends. My parents. Your boyfriend."

"Oh, he can't read."

"He can't read?"

"Well, he can...but he doesn't like to."

"You're drunk. You won't even remember this conversation. I'll write the post, and you'll be pissed off."

"I'm not drunk! And I won't be angry. I want you to do it."

"But what can I write about you? You're going to get angry. It won't work."

"Write anything. Be honest."

"Anything?"

"Yeah."

"Anything?"

"Yes."

"Have another drink."

"I don't need another drink. I think this would be funny."

"C'mon. You can't take a joke. Remember when I said that I liked your umbrella, and did a spoonful of sugar really make the medicine go down? You didn't talk to me for a week."

"I was in Crete. With my boyfriend."

"Right. And your boyfriend...I'd have to write about him. The king of taber tossing."

"That's fine."

"And his clan. How'd he like me writing about his clan?"

"What clan?"

"I don't know. The clanranalds. The clandonalds. Sod huts and that huge knife that he carries."

"His dirk?"

"Yeah."

"Write about him."

"And your mother and your father?"

"What about them?"

"I'd need to write about them, too."

"So?"

"So it wouldn't bother you if I wrote that your dad spends his time building ships in bottles, but only after all the ether's gone?"

"No."

"And your mother believes in faith healing. But Benny Hinn refused to bend down to touch her dog."

"Go ahead."

"Maybe it's better if we just stay friends."

"OK. Fine." And she stuck out her incredibly long tongue at me. "Drive me home?"

"Sure."

"And maybe come up for coffee?"

"At two in the morning?"

"Sure."

"You want me to come up for coffee at two in the morning?"

"Yeah. Just make sure that you don't make too much noise. My boyfriend has a really early day tomorrow."