Friday, April 11, 2008

I Think About Aritha van Herk During Sex

I think about Aritha van Herk during sex. It’s a great way to prolong an orgasm. (That reminds me of an interesting story. A friend once told me he’d never had an orgasm before. I knew he’d travelled with a prostitute in Thailand, so I naturally wondered what had happened. It turns out he didn’t know that male ejaculation is clinically termed an orgasm. But I didn’t feel like educating him. He said he’d come—many times—but had never actually experienced a true Sex-and-the-City climax. I told him he needed a vibrator. Later that day he went and bought one.)

Some men say that a condom desensitizes them and allows them to engage in harder, more athletic sex. I say go get a copy of The Tent Peg with a back-cover photo. It’s worth at least five minutes. If you like suspended congress that means you’re going to have to start ramping up your chest press reps and crunches. My girlfriend wanted to watch the finale of America’s Next Top Model, but she figured there was enough time between washing the dishes and the show’s start to go take a shower together. There would’ve been, but with Aritha she ended missing the first two commercial breaks.

The traditional way has always been to think about baseball. Van Herk is much better. It’s like the difference between brushing your teeth with your finger and brushing your teeth with an Oral B Electric Ultra Plaque Hammer.

Atwood also works, but she can de-stimulate you a little too much. She's for the dentist's chair.

For gay men, I'd recommend Robertson Davies. For women, David Staines.

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