Saturday, June 28, 2008

Read This Blog: Cemetery Plots Now Available

Starting this blog was a friend's idea. She thought that people would enjoy my writing; she thought that I would enjoy being read. And, when it's been the case, I have enjoyed being read. But the blog's also caused a few personal problems, which I'll now relate.

1: I can't get a date
About a month ago I asked a friend to dinner. I would pay; I would drive; I'd be responsible for finding someone to look after her dog. She said that she'd think about it. I've never had someone say that to me regarding a date: I'll think about it. It's really much more of a yes/no thing. "Well, I don't really want to go, but I guess I will have to eat something that day. Soooooo...I'll get back to you."

And, like I said, I offered to pay for dinner at a restaurant with metal cutlery.

Four weeks later, nothing. I haven't heard a thing. Is it the blog's fault? Well, yes, it must be. What else? (Recently I've started to wonder if this girl has a boyfriend who either lives in Corktown, or is serving in the Peace Corps. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a Highlander. Maybe sometime I'll tell the story of being dragged to church by my third-last girlfriend. But back to the Decliner: last time I was at her place I saw a kilt drying on the shower rod. And she doesn't wear skirts.)

2: My friends keep attempting suicide
This one's a little scary. Since starting the blog, two of my friends have attempted suicide. Another almost tried, but the rope he was carrying unravelled and he ended up tripping down the stairs. I don't know how this blog could be responsible for that, but just know that before this site started all three of those friends were volunteer clowns at Sick Kids Hospital.

3: I've been accused of being sexist and racist
The sexist one is easy: people don't like me going after Atwood. Or Munro. Or a bunch of other female Canadian writers. Well what am I supposed to joke about? The St. Lawrence Market?

About racism, I'll say this: Sometimes I wonder if I was the one on the grassy knoll.

Last week I was driving by a cemetery at Bayview/Eglinton, and I saw a sign advertising "Cemetery Plots Now Available." What's wrong, the ground too cold in the morning?

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