Woody Allen's Lost Screenplay: Re-Making "Inherit the Wind" As A Comedy?

This comes to me through the usual chain of custody--it was stolen. Jack Rollins's granddaughter picked up a hitchhiker on the Pacific Coast Highway. He impressed her with his in-depth knowledge of Mavis Gallant; so much so that she took him back to her place for lunch--a bagel with lox, all-dressed potato chips, and ginger tea. As it was Passover, he also had some chocolate chip-walnut-raisin mandelbroit. (I prefer plain chocolate chip.)

As Rollins's granddaughter was washing the dishes, the hitchhiker decided to look around her home. He entered the master bedroom, admiring the olympic-sized limestone bathtub/lye vat, the huge marble-lined shower stall with four individual steam-shower heads, and the dining room. Finally he came to a locked door.

"What's inside there?" he asked, yelling down the walnut-floored hall.

"Oh, that's just my office," she called from the kitchen.

"Right." The bent paperclip twisting in the lock, the mechanism turned and released with a neat click. "I'm just going to wash my hands," he yelled, entering the room and closing the door behind him.

Inside he found the contents of a typical office: table, computer, printer, fax machine, filing cabinet, and reams of paper.

He took a second look at the filing cabinet, a big black aluminum box in the corner of the room. "Woody Stuff" was printed on a small white card lodged into a plastic clip near the handle of the bottom drawer.

He opened the drawer. Loose papers, old contracts, bills, and circulars were stuffed into a space about a third too small for the contents. Reaching inside, the hitchhiker grabbed a handful of paper, resting it on his knee. Nothing, nothing, nothing, and a screenplay.

He stuffed the script down his pants, then went back to open a jar of pickles.

When he got back to Canada, he called me to his house. "David," he said, producing the screenplay, "you'll never believe what I've found."

"A screenplay?" It was resting on his table.

"Yes! A Woody Allen screenplay. And unproduced Woody Allen screenplay!"

"And where did you get it?"

"I stole it!"

"You stole it? From whom?"

"Fuck that. It's mine."

"Jesus Christ," I said, turning to look out the kitchen window. "It's a good thing you've got tenure."

Entitled Play the Men, the movie is the story of an involuntarily retired (because of quirks and chronic anxiety) comic actor who's inveigled into working on a re-make of Inherit the Wind--which is being re-shot as a comedy. The Woody Allen character plays the Spencer Tracy/Clarence Darrow part. It's a farce with a good deal of commentary on the state of contemporary garbag...er, filmmaking, and it's actually quite funny.

It's a kind of return-to-vaudeville movie, with a set-up, gag, set-up, gag formula.

Here's a bit of dialogue as an example. (Allen plays the Benjamin character. His friend Lorne is a thrice-divorced director who's just broken up with his newest (young) wife. He's desperate for money, and trying to convince Benjamin to agree to do the film. Shelly is the producer heading the film.)

Snippet:
BENJAMIN
But you’ve read the Bible many times, sir. You’ve studied it for fifty years. You said so yourself. I know that if I studied something for fifty years, I would know it very well indeed. Any person--especially a person like you--who studies a subject for that long must know everything about it; must know its...intricacies...its secrets even. I’ve been seeing my analyst since 1875; he knows me so well he’ll only shake my left hand.

Snippet 1:

LORNE
I broke up with Denise. Actually, she broke up with me.
BENJAMIN
Denise? You mean the girl you were dating?
LORNE
We were married.
BENJAMIN
Denise? I don’t think I ever saw her.
LORNE
Yeah, you did. Remember, I stopped by to drop off the check.
BENJAMIN
You mean the kid in the car? The one with the lollipop?
LORNE
Yeah.
BENJAMIN
I didn’t know that was her. Wow, really, so you broke up. How’s she gonna get to school?

Snippet 2:

LORNE
Ben, shouldn’t John be here?
SHELLY
Is that your agent?
BENJAMIN
Was. He died.
SHELLY
I’m sorry to hear that.
BENJAMIN
He choked to death on a hard-boiled egg. He was trying to see how many he could fit in his mouth. It was awful; they had to postpone the seder. The afikoman, still, to this day, has not been found. I do all my own deals now.
LORNE
When did he die? I never heard anything.
BENJAMIN
Last year.
SHELLY
But you haven’t worked in almost twenty years.
BENJAMIN
That’s right. This is my first deal. Just pay me whatever you want. How am I doing?

Snippet 3: (Sarah is Benjamin's co-star in the film.)

BENJAMIN
Hello. Yes, it’s nice to meet you, too.
SARAH
This is Duncan Chesney. I guess you don’t know him. He’s an actor.
BENJAMIN
Yes. I could tell by the chin.

Snippet 4:

Lorne’s car is parked in the driveway, the trunk open. He and Benjamin are milling around as Lorne extinguishes a cigarette. He removes a suitcase, and slams the door.
Benjamin and Lorne start walking up the front steps.
BENJAMIN
I can’t believe you smoke those things.
LORNE
It keeps my head clear. Don’t worry, I don’t smoke in the house. So what have you been doing the past two months?
BENJAMIN
I went camping.
LORNE
Oh, yeah? Where?
BENJAMIN
My backyard. I got lost. A kid looking for his frisbee found me; just in time. I was this close to starting The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich.
LORNE
Haven't you read that a hundred times?
BENJAMIN
Yeah, but I can never remember how it ends. Do you know that the Nazis made a Jew-flavoured hard candy? Yeah, but it didn't sell 'cause you always felt guilty eating it. They tried to make it fat-free, but, you know, they needed soap.
(beat)
What do you think I’ve been doing? Worrying about this movie. I can’t eat; half-the-day I don’t even sleep.
Benjamin is about to move in. Lorne drops his luggage by the front door.
LORNE
I can’t believe this is all you brought.
BENJAMIN
What else do I need?
LORNE
You’re going to be here for ten weeks. Some shirts, some pants. Socks and underwear.
BENJAMIN
I’m fine.
LORNE
Did you bring towels?
BENJAMIN
What, do you not have towels?
LORNE
I have towels, but they’re my towels.
BENJAMIN
I didn’t bring any towels.
LORNE
Did you bring toothpaste?
BENJAMIN
Did I bring toothpaste? This whole thing is a favour to you. And you’re asking me if I brought toothpaste.
LORNE
I have sensitive teeth. I order each tube from a catalogue...I don’t have any to give you. And you wouldn’t like it, anyway. It’s grape-flavored. You hate grape.
BENJAMIN
So you won’t let me use your disgusting grape-flavored toothpaste?
LORNE
No.
BENJAMIN
What about your comb? You got a special comb I can’t use?
LORNE
You didn’t bring a comb?
BENJAMIN
I told you, I pack light.
LORNE
I’ll drive you to the drugstore.
BENJAMIN
Good. Because it looks like I probably need a toothbrush, too.